Albert Schweitzer
In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
It is exactly 4am as I type this post, as I felt this sudden urge to type my thoughts as I go, such that I feel it is more honest and raw that way.
It has been months since my last entry and for a moment there, I was unsure of what to write about as nothing relatively interesting has taken place in my life – things were very mundane at one point that there were instances where I was very doubtful that we will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with how the pandemic has been progressing.
The pain from having to wake up each day, not knowing if things will ever get better, feeling like whatever that has been done to help lower the numbers seemed like it was insufficient and all of our efforts were in vain. Isn’t it interesting that it’s been over a year since the world was hit with the pandemic that has taken so many lives from the contracted illness itself and the deep impact it has left which now made us live in fear of the uncertainty. It is safe to say that life and our way of living has changed so much compared to then that sometimes it does feel like life pre-pandemic seemed almost like a dream.
Months ago, things were indeed improving but perhaps we were too complacent that we forgot that we need to change our ways and stick to it in order to regain control and freedom like before. However, the damage is done, we need to pickup what is left of ourselves and soldier on. At the end of the day, the Earth does not stop spinning on its’ axis due to the pandemic or anything for that matter, thus, as bitter as the truth may be, we too need to find ways to resume with our lives and not let the months and years slip through our fingers.
My intention to share this post is not solely to discuss about the effects of the pandemic, however, I wanted to give a backstory on how, why and what I felt all the while which has made me stopped writing in a considerably long time. I remember telling myself that once I have this space that I can call my own, I will definitely find time to sit down, collect my thoughts and type it out. Truth of the matter is, there is no other reason to my hiatus other than being unmotivated due to my surroundings. That being said, there were few instances where I felt like typing but I was afraid that I could not properly articulate my thoughts, that my content and execution was mediocre at best and I cannot emphasise enough how negative thoughts like that can really affect your motivation and productivity. Enough is enough. I have to regain control once more and start doing things that I truly enjoy doing to keep me sane and to keep me fulfilled.
On the same note, recently, I was heavily inspired to get back to what I loved doing then – creating content related to beauty and lifestyle. For starters, it came about when that genre was at its’ peak on Youtube and every girl out there had a platform where they would talk hours on end about their favourite products, their style inspiration and so much more. It is with extreme humbleness to say that I too had a channel and various other platforms and participated in the subject matter. However, after a while, I felt like I could not cope with the trends and how things were progressing as well as the surge of content creators which escalated to high followings almost overnight made me decided to take a step back and reevaluate myself and my content. It came to a point where I felt embarrassed of myself and I set all of my published videos to private from the embarrassment. To make matters worse, I was stepping into adulthood and got carried away with the fast-paced social life I never had before and essentially lost my interest altogether.
I would make up so many excuses why the whole thing flopped – I had low self-confidence due to my skin condition, I did not have the funds to keep up with the current trends online, I did not have the right tools and equipments to be on par with everyone else, and the list is endless. Looking back, I never felt so low in my life when I remembered how making content was what made me feel fulfilled and how it helped me to connect with so many people back then. The root of my downfall was no one other than my own self – I was my own worst enemy.
During my hiatus, I was still online on other platforms, quietly observing and slowly talked myself into getting back into the groove again. Every time I try to get back, there will always be a faint voice in my head that would tell me that the said comeback was far too long and no one would even want to view my content anymore as the “hype” has long died. In fact, writing was also a thing I did back in the day but the content I posted then was nowhere near worthy of talking, I admit, but despite all that, there were times I wished I was as motivated and fearless like before but sadly that girl seemed to have gone off the radar for so long, I was starting to miss her.
Recently, I stumbled upon what ended up being the main reason why my passion has rekindled. I hope it does not sound cheesy because it genuinely felt like a switch in my brain just flicked. Frankly, I did not expect it to have so much impact and it was nothing like what I imagined. It was a normal evening and I was just on Instagram, happened to come across a post from a local influencer talking about her growing makeup brand and how she was recruiting people to work with her. I have followed her for years, watched her grow to a fine young lady and establishing herself online and delving into the beauty industry. Mind you that I was aware of her growing brand and unlike the rest, I had this gut feeling that it is genuine and not another Multi-Level-Marketing scheme promoting lousy, yet overly priced items which I swore to myself that I will not partake, even if I had no other means to sustain myself.
I was deeply inspired by the brand’s message and vision, how they promote beauty inclusivity, affordability, that beauty is from within and most importantly how the founder maintained her composure, how she carries herself, preaching about empowerment, despite having to grow up online despite her every move was heavily scrutinised by the public. She showed grace. This was something I never knew I needed to fix until now – being able to stand up for what I believe in and have faith that whatever content I put up is something that I should be proud of, not be embarrassed by. I knew that this is the kind of people that I so desperately need to surround myself with and I have never been happier that I took the leap of faith to inquire further and later be chosen to be part of the growing team.
Other than her, I am so appreciative of the new community that I have surrounded myself with that has been so inspiring and supportive and the list of people to be thankful for is a long one indeed. An honourable mention would be my loving partner, A, that has been the support in all of my ventures and also a source of inspiration – you have showed me that resilience will trample over anything and that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. You have helped in making me be the best version of myself in so many ways. I am forever thankful to have someone as kind, loving and gentle as you.
With that, I have decided that I will make a comeback on all of my platforms to share my thoughts and create content from the heart again. With work, graduate school, adulting and maintaining my social life, I truly believe that adding content creating into the mix will not burden me, but instead, be a creative outlet to fully express myself, an escape and to grow to be the person that I envisioned in my mind.
That being said, I am thrilled to share more on my new journey in rekindling my passion and to accomplish the goals that has been in the back burner far too long. If you have read up till this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read my humble writing and that I am very grateful for every single support given to me. Excited is an understatement, and I cannot fully express how I feel at this point of time – I truly am over the moon and I hope that I will persevere, come what may. With that, I bid adieu and please stay tuned for more content from yours truly.
xo, Intan
Intan Nazeerah 